Humor for lexophiles (lovers of words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.
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The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will, is a dead giveaway.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
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If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
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With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Local Area Network in Australia :
The LAN down under.
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He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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A calendar's days are numbered.
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A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

My Cretan adventure

Keeping with the title of my blog, here's another holiday journal that I found in my old blog:

The hardest part of a vacation is writing about it afterwards and trying to remember every detail. I hope I won’t forget anything of all that happened and that I’ve seen during last week. So I’m gonna start with the beginning…

Day 1 – August 31st

As I predicted in my previous post, we were at the airport at 5:30. We spent some time outside talking to my friend, then dad left and we went inside for the formalities. At 7 a.m. we had already done the check-in and passport control. Our plane was supposed to take off at 8:15 but they announced it will leave an hour later, due to intense traffic on the airport in Heraklion. Eventually at 9:30 we were taking off… We passed over Bucharest, Sofia and also above what I think were Limnos, Evia and Athens. At 11 we landed at Nikos Kazantzakis Airport in Heraklion and after we got our luggage a cab took us to Ilios Hotel in Hersonissos. Of course it was all arranged by the travel agency in Crete. The guy at the hotel’s reception was very nice and friendly and in five minutes we were already settling in our room. We got ready for the beach and went out to “look for it” and also for a place to eat at. Soon we found both: a tavern called Hollywood Bar, by the beach. Right next to New York Bar. (And I thought I had gone to Crete, not the United States…) As we soon discovered, all the locals there had an inside bar and a terrace by the sea. And it was full of Irish pubs and Dutch bars, where everyday there were several football games on TV, most of them from the Premier League. So, we had lunch at Hollywood Bar then descended on the beach. It was rather small, with fine sand and chaises longues that were 4 Euro / day. There were also no waves (and that I liked a lot) due to the location: a small bay by the harbor. There was though something interesting about that beach: a goose. I think it was the mascot or something, because it was there from dusk till dawn… in the evening we went to check out the resort, which proved to be rather big. There was tavern near tavern, near Irish pub, near tavern, near Irish pub and so on… And at every tavern, pub, bar or restaurant there were people inviting you to have a drink or eat something. Everyone was friendly, something I was kind of used to from my previous trips to Greece, but Cretans are not like the other Greeks…

Day 2 – September 1st

We woke up in the morning and had breakfast, then went to the hotel’s swimming pool, which was on the roof. There was no time to go to the beach, as we were meeting our guide at 11. At first there was nobody at the pool except us, then a few Russians arrived. I forgot to mention the hotel was full of Russians. The guide was a really nice guy from Chisinau (the Republic of Moldova) and he presented us the optional trips and activities we had. We chose Santorini, Knossos and Heraklion (both in one day) and the Cretan evening. After he left we did the same things as the day before: lunch, beach and then out and about. Oh, and we went to this Irish pub, called Shenanigan’s, where we watched a football game (only the second half): Manchester United vs. Sunderland. Man UTD won .

Day 3 – September 2nd – Santorini

The bus picked us up at 6 a.m. (ok, 6:15, it was late…) and took us to the harbor of Heraklion, where we embarked on the cruise ship MTS Golden Prince . We had breakfast there, then relaxed on the upper deck until we met the Romanian-speaking guide. There were actually two Romanian groups and we chose to go with the bigger one, with a Greek guide called Yannis, who spoke Romanian very well (as we found out later, he had attended university in Bucharest). During the meeting with Yannis we made two friends, two women from Bucharest who stayed at a resort close to us, Gouves. Just like me and my friend, they worked together. We arrived at the port of Athinios at 11:30, where we took the bus to Oia and then to Thira, the capital city of Santorini. At Oia we had three hours to visit and do some shopping. And, of course, take photos, which we did… Plenty of them… I tried to see if I recognize some of the places from “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” but I didn’t. Except for the harbor, which unfortunately I didn’t have time to visit, I only watched it from above. Otherwise every house and every street looked the same. Ok, not every house, but definitely every street. I have no words to describe Oia (I think the photos speak for themselves) or how I felt there, because the feelings overwhelmed me. It was a place I always wanted to see and I couldn’t believe I was actually there... After Oia we went to Thira. We didn’t have much time to visit there as it was already 4 p.m. and we had to be down in the harbor by 5 p.m., in order to catch the last boat to take us to the ship. And there were 688 steps to the harbor… We didn’t take the cable car, nor the donkeys, instead we chose to walk. I had to “feel” I was in Santorini… Back on the ship we had dinner, watched the sunset, then relaxed in the main lounge, where the ship’s crew organized an artistic program, with Greek music and dances. At 21:30 we were back in Heraklion and at 10:15 in Hersonissos. No out and about that night, we were completely exhausted…

Day 4 – September 3rd – Knossos, Heraklion and Cretan Evening

On Monday we left Hersonissos a bit later in the morning, at 9:30. Our guide met us at the hotel and then the bus came and took us and the other Romanians in Hersonissos and also our friends in Gouves, to Knossos, just 5 km from the center of Heraklion, where we visited the ruins of the Minoan palace. Then on the way to the center of the city we learned a few things about the history of Crete, among which the fact that for a while they were under Spartan occupation. Yes, the Spartans were following me here too… Once in Heraklion we visited the Lion’s Square, the town hall and a catholic church the name of which I forgot, then we had a couple of hours to go about the places… We went to the Venetian fortress in the harbor then we got hungry and looked for a tavern. We found one in a small square, with a huge sycamore tree in the center. Very picturesque… Afterwards we started heading back to the bus, not before stopping in a silver shop, where I bought a nice pair of earrings with the Greek symbol of the labyrinth. We got back to the hotel where we had two hours to take a shower and get ready for the Cretan evening. A taxi came and picked us up at 7:30 p.m. then we passed by Gouves and picked up our friends. The event was held at a restaurant in the village of Anopolis. When we got there we were welcomed with raki, which, as much as I don’t like, I had to drink. Fortunately it was like a shot, so I didn’t feel the taste of it for long, but my stomach did feel it… It was an open air restaurant, with a stage arranged just like the ruins at Knossos (the famous columns with the bull fresco). We were 9 Romanians at our table: me and my friend, our two friends, two couple who also stayed in Hersonissos, and our guide. The show started right after dinner. Men and women in traditional costumes started dancing on the stage, accompanied by a band. The guys at our table soon found a favorite among the women dancers, and so did us, the girls… There was this dark haired Cretan, with beautiful eyes, and a beard, reason for which one of the guys nicknamed him Leonidas. And that couldn’t suit him better… He was no Gerard Butler, but was quite a sight! Of course we laughed a lot at this, actually I think we were the happiest table there. The guys were always making comments about “Leonidas” and the girls (me included) were all gooey whenever he was on stage or came to take us dancing. The dancing part happened twice and the second time I asked if I could take a photo with him. Of course he said yes and put both his arms around me… I was melting with pleasure and the girls were green with envy. I didn’t see why, actually, as they had their boyfriends with them… Unfortunately the night ended pretty soon and we had to get back to the hotel…

Days 5-8 – September 4-7

The remaining days we spent sunbathing, swimming and going out in the evening. Well, it was actually sunbathing while swimming, as we spent most time on the beach under the umbrella, as the sun was way too hot… On Wednesday our friends from Gouves visited us and on Thursday we returned the visit. While we were there we also went to see the Cretaquarium . Built in a former American military base , supposedly only 30% of it it’s finished and it is said that in the end it will be the biggest in the world.

On Friday we left for the airport at 8:40 a.m. The taxi was supposed to pick us up at 8:10 but it came half an hour later. And also the plane left half an hour later than it was supposed to. What can I say, that happens when flying with a low cost company… But on the way back we flew over Santorini so I also got to see the island from above. I got home in one piece and I can say I really enjoyed flying, especially the moment before take off, when the plane has to catch the necessary speed to lift up from the ground. The speed maniac in me… Oh, right before landing we were announced the temperature in Bucharest: 15 degrees Celsius… Nobody could believe their ears. We were coming from a temperature of over 30 degrees to one of 15 degrees… And most of us were wearing flip-flops (yeah, my feet froze during the flight…). After we landed it proved there were not quite 15, but more like 20. Or maybe it felt like 20 to me, because of the low temperature during the flight…

Now I’m already thinking of my next destination. Will it be Athens, Rhodes, Paris, Rome or some place else? Guess I’ll just have to wait and see…

It turned out to be Rome :)

One night...

Long day and I'm ready - I'm waiting for your call
'Cos I've made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger and the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night, is it alright
That I give... you
My heart, my love, my heart
Just for one night
My body, my soul
Just for one night
My love, my love
For one night, one night, one night

When morning awakes me
Well I know I'll be alone
And I feel I'll be fine
So don't you worry about me
I'm not empty on my own
For inside I'm alive

That for one night, it was so right
That I gave... you
My heart (my heart...), my love, my heart
Just for one night (one night...)
My body, my soul
Just for one night (one night...)
My love, I loved
For one night (one night...), one night, one night

For one night, it was so right
That I gave... you
My heart (my heart), my love, my heart
Just for one night (one night...)
My body, my soul
Just for one night (one night...)
My love, my love
For one night (one night), one night, one night
One night...

Short history of mankind

1. The woman does not want to live in trees anymore. She cries. The man discovers the cave.
2. Inside the cave it’s cold. The woman cries. The man discovers the fire.
3. The children are screaming with hunger. The woman cries. The man discovers the axe, the bow and the bat and goes hunting.
4. From so much meat the child gets sick scurvy and beriberi. The woman cries. The man discovers agriculture.
5. Because the mammoth is not easy to kill, the man is too long gone from home. The woman cries. The man starts to raise domestic animals: cows, sheep, pigs, chicken etc.
6. The woman gets tired of steak made on a stick with green beans side dish, eaten from a leaf. She cries. The man discovers pottery.
7. Inside the cave it’s drafty and moist and because of this the children catch cold, make pneumonia and die. The woman cries. The man builds a cottage first, then a house of wood and rock.
8. Winter came and it’s cold. The woman cries. The man discovers that dead animals’ skin and fur can be worked and he makes clothes.
9. Leather and fur clothes stink. The woman cries. The man discovers wool clothes (which are rough and itchy – the woman cries), linen clothes (which are also rough – the woman sighs) and finally silk clothes (which seem satisfying – the woman smiles). Later the man also solves the problem with the stinky leather and fur clothes mentioned above.
10. Various unimportant works like protecting animal herds and killing potential prey animals keep the man away from home. The woman cries. The man tames the dog and the cat.
11. The woman notices she looks too much like her peers. She starts to cry. The man invents makeup and jewelry.
12. The woman gets bored from staying inside the house and wants to broaden her horizons. Normally, she starts to cry. The man invents the wheel, domesticates the horse and discovers the boat, because the woman is fragile and get tired quick. Besides, nobody would want to hear her crying again…

Over the years…

The woman feels the need to “escape” from the quotidian. She has no time, money or disposition for trips abroad, she would get bored with her friends, there’s nothing interesting on TV, the weather outside is horrible. As usual, the man is not home and he wouldn’t understand much anyways. The woman would like… to write something that would bring her compliments from strangers, something to keep her anonymous and to be absolutely under control and… For the gazillion time in history the woman starts to cry. The man invents the blog.

Moral: When women cry mankind evolves.
Moral no.2: Without women we would still be living in trees.

Live, and in your face!

I found this post from my previous Yahoo 360 blog, about my 2008 trip o Vienna to see Bon Jovi in concert (my life's dream). I thought it shouldn't go to waste, since right now virtual dust is piling on my old blog saved in my old Yahoo profile... Here we go:

An Austrian bilingual magazine that we received on the airport in Vienna said this: “The “sexiest man in rock” will enter the open-air stage at Magna Racino in Ebreichsdorf near Vienna on June 4th and make a “Bed of Roses”: Bon Jovi is in town”. I loved it…

So the long awaited day finally arrived… My adventure started on Tuesday morning, June 3 rd , at 11:15 a.m., when my cousin Melanie, our friends John and Silvia, and me of course, boarded the flight OS 790 (Austrian Airlines) for Vienna. We landed at 12:25 local time (13:25 in Romania) on Flughafen Wien, Vienna International Airport, from where we took the train (S-Bahn) for only 1,70 euro a ticket to station Wien-Mitte, where we got out and crossed the street to the subway (U-Bahn) station Landstrasse, where we took the U4 to Friedensbrucke, our final stop. The hotel we stayed at, Hotel Mozart, was located really close to the station. We did the check-in quickly, rested for a few minutes and then went out. We took our umbrellas as it had started to rain. It rained most of the time we stayed in Vienna, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t enjoy our time there.

Our destination was the Schonbrunn Palace . We took the subway again (actually we used the subway a lot while we stayed in Vienna, it’s the easiest way to get around the city) and although there were 12 stations we got there in no time. We didn’t visit the palace itself, but the gardens that surround, which are amazing… We also wanted to see the zoo, but the entrance was 12 euro, so we decided we had better things to do with that money :D. The rain stopped for a while but then it started again. It was really warm though, so we couldn’t really complain. Though a bit of sun wouldn’t have done any harm

When we got back to the center of Vienna I took my friends to Hotel Sacher, to eat the famous Sachertorte and then we walked down to Stephansdom where we took the subway and got back to the hotel. We could no longer feel our feet :)

The second day, after breakfast, we started around the city again. It rained a bit in the morning but then the sun came up. We were intending to see the Rathaus (the city hall), but to our surprise the area in front of it was surrounded by fences, as they were preparing a viewing zone for the games of the European football championship that started yesterday. And so was the entire area in front of the Rathaus, Burgtheater, the Parliament and the Hofburg . Fortunately we could see the Parliament and even take photos in front of it, with the beautiful fountain representing the goddess Athena. Then we did some souvenirs shopping and visited the Schmetterlinghaus (the Butterfly House), a big green house with live butterflies. We also wanted to visit the Belvedere gardens, but we were running against time. We had to be at the Vienna International Busterminal around at least 15:00, as our bus for the concert was leaving at 15:30. So we got back to the hotel, changed (I took the pink t-shirt that my cousin gave me for my birthday, that said “Jersey Girl loves Bon Jovi”), and took the subway again to Edrberg station.

It was easy to find the bus terminal as it was right outside the subway station. We got on the first bus that was leaving and arrived at the Magna Racino venue around 15:15. There was already a lot of people waiting to enter the venue, so we started walking around, looking for a place to stay. We had to wait for at least two hours before entering. Unfortunately it started to rain again, and this time it was really pouring. We hid under our umbrellas (which we had been inspired to take with us), but they didn’t do much good, my jeans got wet up to my knees. Lucky it didn’t last too long and after it stopped we saw somebody that was handing out raincoats (more like big white plastic bags with hoods), which came in really handy, as it started to rain again before the concert and during it, so we could leave our umbrellas aside. Around 17:00 we were allowed to enter the venue, not before being thoroughly searched (both our bags and us), which made John really happy at the thought that he was gonna be searched by a girl:). Unfortunately her place was taken by a guy…

So we were in, finally! We found a place close to the stage (about 100m) and waited. And waited… My friends gave up at one point and sat down. I did the same thing for a short while, until my butt couldn’t stand anymore the hard metal platform we were on. And until it began to rain again, moment when everyone that was sitting down got up and put on their raincoats. We waited for another hour when something finally started to happen on the stage. It was one of the opening bands (there were two, as I would find out later), an Austrian band called PBH Club, which was not bad at all. Even the rain stopped . They sang four or five songs and then the stage got quiet again and again it started to rain. Some guys from the technical team came and collected some instruments off the stage. Everyone thought Bon Jovi would be next but that was not to be, yet… I heard some girls behind me mention something about Sunrise Avenue, but I didn’t think they’d sing, until the presenter (just an off voice) announced a band from Helsinki, Finland. I thought it was too good to be true, but there they were, Sunrise Avenue opening for Bon Jovi. Not in my nicest dreams would I have imagined something like this would happen. They sang their hits Fairytale Gone Bad and Forever Yours, as well as Heal Me, Nasty, Diamons and Romeo, and also as a song from their new album which will be released soon. The rain again stopped while they were singing. It was almost 8 p.m. when they left the stage and I was no longer feeling my legs and my back was killing me. But I was happy and enduring it all . After 15 minutes of waiting the show everyone was waiting for started. It was absolutely amazing, all that I had dreamt of and more… They were there, live, just about 100m away from me. I didn’t always have a direct view towards the stage, but the big screens that were to the right and the left of it, and the ones that were coming up and down on the stage, helped a lot, also with the photos I took (101 and two videos :)). The songs were the following:

BORN TO BE MY BABY
BAD NAME
COMPLICATED
CAPT. CRASH
SLEEP w/ Glory Days & Mercy
ROCKIN' ALL OVER THE WORLD
BLAZE OF GLORY
WHOLE LOT OF LEAVIN'
IN THESE ARMS
GARAGELAND
I GOT THE GIRL
WE GOT IT GOIN' ON
IT'S MY LIFE
FAITH
I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU - RICHIE VOX
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GO HOME
HAVE A NICE DAY
BAD MEDICINE w/ Shout
PRAYER

ENCORE:
ANY OTHER DAY
WANTED

The show ended around 11 p.m. In spite of all the pain I felt in my back I would have been able to last for one more hour :). It was an amazing experience I would love to repeat soon. Unfortunately their tour ends in the U.S. in July and they’re not coming to Romania as it was rumored a couple of months ago. But the next time they’re coming to Europe I’m going! Hopefully to more than one concert (I should start saving right now :). Damn, I should have also gotten tickets to the one they had in Dublin yesterday… But I was a bit short on money, so… next time!

We got to the bus and arrived in Vienna a bit around midnight, and we had the chance to catch the last subway home. We left the next day. Our plane took off at 13:40 and we got to Bucharest at 16:25.

I must go back to Vienna soon and stay longer this time. It’s such a wonderful city and there are still more things to see… And I think I’m gonna get used to flying, I really love it . When we flew to Vienna the sky was mostly clear and we could see the mountains. Unfortunately when we got back it was cloudy.

Guess I should wrap it up now and as my good friends above would say, Have A Nice Day!!!

LE: I forgot to mention that at the concert in front of me there was this guy dressed with a Guns n'Roses t-shirt, who I think was in the wrong place as he was shaking his head like he was at a Prodigy concert . It made me dizzy just looking at him...

New addition

... to my "Twilight" books collection.

Random

Back to work after a lovely and relaxing (who’d have thought?) week-end at the mountains with my former colleagues from my former work place. It’s not gonna be a very busy week, as my boss will be away for two and a half days and anyways I have pretty much nothing to do, which drives me completely insane, as I’m not the “sit & do nothing” type.

I was looking at this week-end’s pictures and at pictures from other teambuildings and thinking how many we used to be and how few we were now… And all the fun we used to have and how much we (mainly the guys) used to drink :). This week-end was a pretty quiet one. I think everyone was thinking that it was our last get-together in the mountains, that for some of them this was going to be the last week in the company and that things will never be as they were. But that’s life, with good and bad. I too realized how much I’m going to miss everyone, maybe some more than others, and how much this company meant to me. But the show must go on…

On a different subject, the weather is getting warmer. I had the gas meter installed in my apartment two weeks ago and if the weather stays warm I’ll be able to turn the heat on in order for the walls to warm up so I can do the repainting. And then get furniture and with a bit of luck move in by the end of April. My birthday is in May and I want to celebrate it in my own apartment :). Actually, I can’t remember the last proper birthday party I had, not including the ones at work. I think it was on my 21st bday, so it’s about time I had another :).

My bday will be on a Saturday but I’ll have to celebrate it one week later, since on that very same day a very good friend of mine is getting married. Pretty nice bday present, right? It kinda makes me ponder, but I’m chasing the thoughts away, haha!