Humor for lexophiles (lovers of words)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
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The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
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To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
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The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
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A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.
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Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
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When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.
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The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
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If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
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A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
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A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will, is a dead giveaway.
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
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If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
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With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
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Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
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When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
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The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
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A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
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You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
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Local Area Network in Australia :
The LAN down under.
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He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
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A calendar's days are numbered.
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A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
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A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
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He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
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A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
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If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
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When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.